Pretend
by Bunyip
Summary: Goren's thoughts during Purgatory


He was no longer a detective. He hadn't thought it would be a huge problem, but it was. He thought he didn't need anything, but he did.  
He needed his badge.  
He needed his work.  
He needed his partner.

He tried to pretend that everything was okay. He had fallen into a routine that mimicked his old life. He was good at pretending.Get up, get dressed, leave home, coffee, library, bar, museum, anything, return home at the end of the day, then bed and sometimes sleep. He could pretend it was all okay, most of the time.

He read the paper everyday. Thought about the crimes that were in there. He pretended that he could solve them, but he couldn't. He no longer had the information he needed. He couldn't work anything out. He needed the resources he had once had as a detective. The inside knowledge, the evidence, the medical reports, the witness statements, the contacts, the interviews and most important thing he needed, was the very small detective who used to stand by his side and who had anchored him to the world.No amount of pretending was able to ease that particular ache in his heart.

But he continued to pretend that life was normal. He pretended that he had a purpose. But every evening when he came home, he couldn't do it. At night, he had no purpose, no job. Nothing to stretch his imagination, no excitement .And every now and then, out of habit, he would turn around to talk to Eames, and be surprised that she wasn't there. He needed that comfort that that she had always been able to provide.  
He wanted it to be like it used to be.  
Every day. At work. Next to her. Being able to talk to her, sit, eat, and share a joke or a smile with her.  
It was disconcerting how he was unable to let her go.

He needed his badge back.  
He needed to see her again.  
But it was best if he did not - best for her.  
They spoke on the phone, not often, but sometimes it was enough. A few times, Eames had asked to if they could get together, but he always said no.He had decided. No more dragging Eames into his mess of a life. She should have transferred out years ago. He had been selfishly grateful that she had stayed, but the cost to Eames had become clear. Goren's reputation would never rise above the rumours of his strangeness. And now Eames, after 8 years of working with Goren, would be forever linked to that strangeness. Even Eames thought it was too late now.

But Goren refused to think it was too late, for her at least. Amongst all of the things that he was powerless to control, this was one thing that he could. Goren had been unable to save her when she had been kidnapped, he regretted that. But, this time, he could save her career by his absence. Maybe his suspension was a last chance to show the Chief of D's that he and Eames were not the same. That Eames was a valued officer on her own.  
He could do both, protect Eames and get his job back. He could do it. He wanted his partner and his badge back.

Goren was worried about his suspension. He knew he was in a bad place. He had once had the freedom to solve crime without following the rules or worrying about his supervisors. A good solve rate had been enough. Not any more. He should have seen it all coming. Deakins hadn't been able to save himself, he had retired. Would this be Goren's future? Would he ever be able to return to Major Case? He hoped so.He would wait for an opportunity to return.But as it turned out, Goren did not have to wait for long.

The opportunity had come along so smoothly, that Goren was worried that he was being set up for a fall. He tried to cover himself from every angle. He trusted no one. He knew he could trust Eames, but she was too important too him to risk getting involved. His first thought had been to contact her, but for her sake he had decided not to. He couldn't be sure it was a test. Were there hidden cameras, wires, phone traces or hidden surveillance? He couldn't risk it. He couldn't risk her.

He was taking absolutely no chances and yet the whole thing had been a huge gamble. But if everything worked, he would soon be back at Major Case, with his job, his badge, his desk, the captain and the Chief of D's finally on his side and with his partner. He wanted to be back at Major Case, desperately.He wanted to be with her again.

Finally it was over. The worst part had been when Eames had burst into the room and aimed her gun at him. He was still deep undercover and he aimed his gun limply at her in return. But then he had seen her eyes. The confusion, the hesitation and the hurt. He wasn't frightened of being shot. He knew Eames had one of the best reflexes in the force. He knew that she wouldn't shoot him. But, when he looked in her eyes, just for an instant, he thought, "This has been a mistake".

Then, a few hours in jail, an uninspiring interview and finally he was given permission to tell Eames the truth. But then it all went wrong. He was ready for the shock, the surprise. He waited for her to realise that he was okay and 'Bobby' was coming back. He waited for that small shy smile that he loved.  
But she didn't smile.  
An expression he had not expected, flicked across her face .He suddenly felt off balance. Was that pain, betrayal? All of a sudden he couldn't read her. Eames started to nod her head, and Goren thought it was going to be okay. But then, she started to shake her head from side to side and as she looked at him, he saw it. It was pain, deep pain that had no words.  
And then she turned and left.

She had walked away and she was angry. He was no stranger to violent anger, but not from Eames and not aimed straight at him. He tried to understand her reaction. Why so much anger this time? In all those difficult times that they had been through, it had been Goren that had been the angry one. Goren the one who had always walked away. Eames had always been the one left standing. But in the end, they had always come back to each other.This time it was different, it felt wrong. Had he underestimated the depths of Eames understanding of him? Had she really thought he would fall so far? But then had he ever given her any reason to think that he would not. After all these years, had he had walked away one time too many?

Maybe.

He was good at pretending. He would do anything for things to be the way they were.He wanted everything back to normal. He thought everything was except for one small thing, and that one small thing wasn't about to forgive him in a hurry.He had come back to work in his old familiar suit, with his neat familiar haircut, with his jaunty familiar walk and his hesitant smile. But Alex did not look at him to see it. She had been closed to him all day. When she spoke, her words and expressions were those that she would normally use with suspects or criminals, never him. Not before anyway. Short and terse words, lips tight, eyes hard and unforgiving. He didn't know what to do.Goren was a genius at solving puzzles; he could work out the most complicated of motives and criminal methods. He had knowledge of an impressive range of subjects, spoke a handful of languages and wrung confessions from the hardest of cases. But he was totally lost when it came to his partner. He did not know what to do to bring her back to him.

He spoke to Eames as if everything was back to normal, but they both knew it was not. With her small reply as she left, they both knew. Eames, who had been his partner for 8 years, who had stood beside him in all his troubles and who had thought that he trusted her above all else, walked away from him without a backward glance.

He was good at pretending, he kept a smile on his face as she left and he opened his drawer. And then he looked down at the small dead body of a rat. He calmly got out an evidence bag and placed it inside. He did not think about the rat or where it came from. He was thinking about the small dead thing inside him that had once been his heart. The rat did not bother him at all.

He was good at pretending.  
He had his badge.  
He had his work.  
His partner would be back tomorrow.  
If he kept pretending, the old familiar partnership he had struggled so hard to regain would come back.  
And as he sat there alone at his desk, he pretended that he was content with his life.

Sometimes if you pretend enough, it comes true.


End file.
